February 25, 2024
Canyon Courier Jan. 25 Sheriff’s Calls

Tough audience

CONIFER – Wherever they go, Claude and Adelard take their simmering antipathy for each other with them. Just lately they’ve been hauling their mutual hostility along to local fire district meetings and, expecting more of the same, on Dec. 14 local fire officials asked a deputy to attend with an eye toward tempering the anticipated tempest. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before Claude hustled up to the officer claiming that Adelard “elbowed me in the hallway.” Moments later Adelard ran up with countercharges, saying that Claude “assaulted me and you need to arrest his ass.” Sifting through competing testimonies and conflicting witness accounts, the deputy started losing interest as an alleged “elbow bump” grew into a “full-on shove” and topped out as a “full shove into a wall.” In fact, the officer rejoined, he was not inclined to believe that anything illegal happened to either of them, but was absolutely positive they were both behaving abominably, what with Claude “antagonizing” and “interrupting” speakers at the meeting and Adelard conspicuously “smirking” at opposing opinions.As to charges, the deputies said both men could go home with matching disorderly conduct citations, or they could cool their jets. Claude and Adelard elected to cool their jets.

Computer games

CONIFER – It didn’t take long for Daughter’s visit with Mom and Dad to turn contentious. On the morning of Dec. 14, Mom couldn’t locate one of her laptop computers and accused Daughter of hiding it in her room. Daughter told Mom she didn’t know or care where Mom’s laptop was. Dad told Mom that she “probably misplaced it” and that it would turn up in good time. Not convinced, Mom tried to conduct a search of Daughter’s quarters. Daughter “blocked the doorway,” insisting that Mom had no right to enter. Mom called JCSO, asking deputies to inform Daughter that she has every right to enter Daughter’s room because Daughter is “not a tenant” but “merely a house guest.” Since nobody in the family wanted officers conducting further investigations inside the home, the case pretty much closed itself.

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Chronic Bronc-itis

EVERGREEN – Terrified by constant and rising howls of anguish coming from next door, neighbors called 911 and begged somebody come at once and put a stop to what could only be bloody murder in progress. Deputies raced to the scene, finding a woman sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette, her face a heart-breaking blend of rage and despair. Inside the home officers could hear the sounds of two men screaming insults and abuse, and a few moments later the pair came out onto the porch, hot wrath upon their knotted brows and curses still flowing from their lips like lava. Deputies demanded to know the reason for such tumult. “We’re yelling at the Broncos,” the woman explained. Indeed, in the momentary peace that descended on the porch officers detected the television play-by-play going on in the living room where Denver was getting shellacked by Detroit. The three super-fans expressed remorse that their exertions on behalf of the home team had upset the neighbors, and apologized for any inconvenience they might have caused the department. No penalty was awarded.

C’mere, go’way

EL RANCHO – Boris dialed 911 on the night of Dec. 12 requesting, nay, demanding instant official assistance. Boris told responding deputies that his hated neighbor, Dmitri, had come to his door vowing to shoot him down. While that alleged mortal threat clearly colored Boris’s negative assessment of Dmitri’s character, it was less clear why he was so obviously angry with the officers dispatched to protect him. After conducting an emotionally charged interview with an explosively “belligerent” Boris, deputies had a comparatively pleasant sit-down with Dmitri. “I ain’t no rat,” said Dmitri, dismissing the entire episode as “typical apartment (shenanigans)” and not worth the county’s time.Beginning to believe Dmitri was right, deputies were surprised to get a furious phone call from Boris full of “explicit language” and promising bad things for any JCSO representative rash enough to “contact me again.” Convinced that Boris didn’t need their help after all, deputies left without giving him any.

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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed, including the writer’s name, which is a pseudonym. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.